I’m afraid. Period. Needles are frightening. I realize they have a purpose, and I’m supposed to be brave. But needle pricks hurt like son of a gun and well, I don’t like pain. Do you? I have a true story to share with you today that’s piercing.
Positivity is a Talent
Positivity is my #1 talent according to Gallup’s StrengthsFinder® assessment. The thing with having been identified as someone with a natural talent of positivity is that I believe when others find this out, they expect, yes, expect that person to always be positive. I’m not. There. I confess.
Here’s the other thing, I expect this of myself too. Even though positivity comes natural to me, I’ve learned this doesn’t mean confidence and vulnerability are partners with positivity. In fact, I’m sure I’ve used my positivity to camouflage my lack of confidence and make sure no one sees my true heart because that would expose my vulnerability and that would be a high-stake risk.
I have a deep-felt desire to live out my passion, something I believe is my calling. However, this calling is now requiring my willingness to share my vulnerabilities. Big Needle Ahead!
True Story Ahead
I’m a writer.
Sure, I can finally say that now, but it’s taken a long time for me to be able to say those three words out loud to the world. My stomach still gets queasy when I think about entering a writing contest three years ago. I had to ask my friends and family to vote for me. What if they read my essay and didn’t like it? Worse, what if they felt obligated to vote for me just because they were my friends and family? Ugh! Where’s the bucket? I want to throw up!
I was so out of my comfort zone. First of all, I hate competition. I’m not good at it. More importantly, revealing myself as a writer in a contest about killed me because I had to expose my emotional vulnerability. I had to expose my writing. That was such a painful experience, but something positive resulted from that writing contest. No, I didn’t win the contest, but I gained a little more confidence because I exposed a little of my vulnerability.
Below is something I’m wrestling with now. I think others may feel this way too. Keep reading if you want to find out what it is.
My Monologue with God Today
“Lord, I want to tell others, but I don’t because that’s sooooooo risky. My filled-up heart of hope can be easily punctured, lose air, and deflate like an air-filled balloon being poked by a needle. My “positivity” flies this crazy flight and then lands all limp at my feet. Deflated. Guess who then partners with my positivity? My confidence and my emotional vulnerability. All three lay at my feet totally deflated.”
“So yeah. I don’t like sharing my innermost feelings and thoughts. It’s too risky and yet, everyone I hear lately, including You, Lord, keep advising this is exactly what I’m supposed to do. Seriously? You do realize there are people out there that I think are just waiting in line with a needle in hand to pop my balloon of dreams. They’re just waiting to tell me why my writing sucks or worse, they won’t even read a thing I’ve written.”
“In a doctor’s office I’m not afraid of needles at all. I bravely extend my arm. I actually watch them slide whatever size needle into me to draw my blood right out of me. They can take whatever amount of blood they need to take. I don’t care. I’m totally fine. But in the world of sharing my writing, holding out my heart and exposing it to the world, yeah, well, then I’m not so brave.”
“Vulnerability is the scariest needle in the world to me.”
“So, what am I do? Hold my heart out to the world like I hold my arm out to a doctor who wants to take my blood? The world will take my blood and probably my heart too. I don’t think I’m ready for this. I know. I know. You keep telling me to not be dismayed. Do not fear. I know You say these things, but it’s not very easy for me to actually do them.”
“You keep telling me to present my case. Okay. Here’s one of my cases: I’m afraid I really won’t make a difference to anyone. I’m really afraid I won’t bring glory to You, Lord. I’m really afraid I don’t have anything special or unique to impact anyone. I’m afraid to be vulnerable in my writing.”
“Crap! Tears. I hate crying. And yet, here they come. I can tell I’ve pierced a vulnerable spot inside of me. Who am I kidding? I’m afraid I won’t matter. I’m afraid no one will read my writing. I’m afraid I’m going to disappoint You, Lord. I’m afraid of exposing my innermost being to others. I’m afraid.”
“Let’s face it, I’m no C. S. Lewis, author of a million rock-star books. I’m not a Laura Hillenbrand, author of Unbroken and Seabiscuit. I ask myself, ‘Why would anyone care about anything I write?'”
God’s Turn
“Because you have a story to share, your story. It’s a good story, Michelle. Because you have a heart, a beautiful heart that wants to encourage others in their journey. Because you can and you will whether you want to or not, tap into the deep abyss of your soul and share what you find. Because you can write in a way that stirs up reality in others and helps them see someone else has felt what they feel. Someone else has experienced what they are experiencing. Someone else has done hard work to overcome. Because they need to believe they may be able to as well. Someone, someones need you to write, Michelle. They NEED to know they are not alone. It’s okay to express what’s going on inside. So share ALL those pent-up feelings and thoughts.”
“You are correct. You are not C. S. Lewis. He’s already existed and accomplished his calling. You are not Laura either. She has different assignments. But Michelle, you are a writer, and you have been given your own assignment. So, wipe those tears from your face, and let’s get started. You have a million rock-star ideas, feelings, and experiences to share with this world. And guess what? Should someone poke you with a needle and draw out your blood to empty you of your joy and positivity or attempt to burst your confident heart of your God-chosen calling, remember, I love you, and I will always be here to patch you up.”
Braving the Needles
So there you have it friends, my conversation with God Himself today. I guess I have a fear of needles after all. Not the kind of needles used to draw real blood out my physical body, but those needles used to expose my vulnerability to you. And yes, the sharp needles of words from those who want to discourage me from living my dream, my calling.
I think it’s time for me to be brave like I am at the doctor’s office. It’s time for me to hold my heart out to you and if I get stuck with a piercing critic or vulnerability’s needle truly causes me pain, well, I have the most world-renown doctor I can go to for repair: God Himself.
Sorry for the lengthy blog post. I guess I had a lot to discover in the deep abyss of my heart.
Here are some of my questions for you:
Do you ever feel this way? Do you ever feel afraid that others will attack your most vulnerable place? If you do, does this fear stop you from sharing your vulnerabilities? Do you feel afraid that you’re not going to make any difference? Do you ever feel afraid of needles real or metaphorically? I’d love to know. Write to me in the comment section or send me a private message. I’d love to have a conversation with you.
I’ll raise my tea cup to that, Michelle! You just voiced a good deal of what goes on in my head, too. Absolutely love how you point out that even should (or when) we get stuck with a piercing, the One who was pierced for us is also our Great Physician. I gotta remember that. This is one of your best pieces, in my opinion. Vulnerability may expose flesh for the sticking, but it also invites others to get real, too. Thank you, Michelle for sharing a piece of your heart.
Pearl, we’re similar in more ways than one, I think. Vulnerability is one to challenge us and cause us to pause. For me, probably too often. So, onward and upward. I appreciate hearing this is one of my best pieces. Means a lot coming from another writer. Cheers!
God has often encouraged me to be vulnerable. In fact each time I reveal something I am holding on to and am worried about others reactions, I find it brings me peace and courage for the next time the Lord want me to expose something to show others His glory in my life. May I encourage you my friend to keep being you there is only one special women as yourself. God made you in His imagine and has layed out long ago your path.
Kim, you are one of my personal heroes! Truly!! I’m holding on to your words here. I’ll keep being me and embrace vulnerability. May peace and courage continue!
Totally relate to the fear of being ‘real and vulnerable’. I also know that you have many gifts and stories to share and remember….. we don’t grow when we sit in our comfort zone so keep stretching and reaching.
Ah, that comfort zone is so comfy though, isn’t it? 🙂 Thanks Riley for being so faithful to encourage me. Being real and vulnerable I’m learning is a challenge, but I think based on the conversations I’ve had it’s more important than I ever realized. So, I have a challenge to refrain from the comfort zone and embrace vulnerability.