Permission to be Honest

Do you struggle being honest? I mean, honest about your struggles? Or, do you pretend like I’ve done sometimes? We have permission to be honest. We really do. 

This week began with my birthday. Another ride around the sun ended and another began all the same day. Truth is, I got smacked with reality; a reality I wanted to reject: I’m aging.

For years I’ve agreed with my jolly heart that I’m 25. But the truth is, I haven’t been 25 for over three decades now. Still, no birthday since year 25 has impacted me with the truth that aging happens like this year.

Startled by this brutal truth, I’ve struggled to accept that even if I live to ninety years old, my life is at least two-thirds over. This earthly life is temporary. In fact, everything we see is temporal, which is good and bad at times.

Permission to be Honest

Fifty-eight slapped me hard, knocked me down, and dazed me. In fact, Number 58 started harassing me a few weeks before my actual birthday. For the first time ever, I dread my birthday. 

I love celebrating birthdays. Not just mine either. Life is to be celebrated and birthdays give us a reason to rejoice life. But I wasn’t rejoicing this year. 

Bewildered by this experience, I stumbled through my birthday. I made it through the day, laughed a few times, and enjoyed my family immensely. But always Number 58 stared at me, following me to make sure I knew my place. With a stern look aimed at me, Number 58 insisted I stop pretending I’m 25.

I didn’t tell a soul how I was feeling. What purpose would that serve? I didn’t want anyone else to feel downcast. Neither did I want sympathy. While I didn’t want to bring others down or seduce sympathy, I didn’t know what I wanted or needed. So, I continued on my way, stepped onto my next flight around the sun, and pretended Number 58 wasn’t riding along with me and Number 25.

Why Number 25?

While I penned in my journal on my birthday a short message to the Lord:

Today is my 58^th birthday. First day of a new year. Let us begin, Lord. 🙂 Thank you for my life.

This in no way revealed the deeper struggle I faced, but God knew. And crazy, the day after my birthday, I found myself sharing not just with Jesus, but with my friend, Nikki, and my dentist for goodness sakes. I shared how Number 58 tackled me. Both Nikki and my dentist, while kind and supportive, simply couldn’t undo the grip Number 58 had on me. Even my teeth laughed with Number 58 at me.

I shared with Nikki that I always expected Number 60 would be the one to tackle me and push my face into the ground. Probably because my Mom shared with me one time that turning 60 was the year that shook her. She said she couldn’t pretend she was young any longer. I guess I take after my Mom in at least one way. We both like to pretend we’re younger than we are.

To be fair though, my Mom is one of my personal heroes. I admired her. She had great influence in my life. So, when she told me to pick an age I enjoyed and stick with it, an age my heart recognized as true about me, I did. 

How I felt at 25 is how I determined who I was and how I always wanted to feel inside: expectant, happy, energetic, grateful, healthy, fun-loving, and full of love and joy. This is why 25 is my heart’s number.

Friends Refresh Our Soul

Permission to be honest with myself and Jesus came first. But giving myself permission to be honest with others that I was getting beat up and harassed by Number 58 required courage and transparency. When I did, something marvelous started happening, slowly.

“Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul.” Proverbs 27:9 (MSG)

On February 9, I gave myself permission to be honest with another friend as we shared dinner together to celebrate my birthday and our friendship of almost 25 years. Gail always gifts me with more than she realizes. Yes, she gave me a tangible gift, a book, but she also gave me the gift of refreshing my soul.

Since our dinner, I’ve felt lighter and I’ve been reading the book she gifted me, Growing Slow: Lessons on Un-hurrying Your Heart from an Accidental Farm Girl by Jennifer Dukes Lee. I no more than read the first two paragraphs when one sentence stung my heart, “We wonder if we’re really doing enough with these numbered days we’ve been given.” 

Yes. Yes. And Yes! There it was right in front of me. Number 58 staring at me asking me, “Have you done enough, Michelle, with the numbered days God has given you?”

In my assessment of myself and my life these last few weeks, I answered, No, I haven’t. I’ve not accomplished what I thought I would by now. If I’m honest, I waste some of the days God’s given me.

As I look to my future and going forward, I don’t want to waste any more of my numbered days. I don’t know how many I actually have left. No one knows how many days God ordains to each of us, only He knows. But we do have a choice in how we live our numbered days.

Prevail

This year I’m reading Susie Larson’s 365-day devotional book called Prevail. Every day this week I’ve underlined sentences in each devotion.

February 6, my birthday (Prevail Day 37)
“What He asks of us, He also entrusts to us. When He asks us to be brave, He also gives us courage.” 

February 7 (Prevail Day 38)
“He intends to display His power in your life.”

February 8 (Prevail Day 39)
“Sometimes we need a spiritual reset—a reminder of just who it is that we serve.”

February 9 (Prevail Day 40)
“He knows when you need a word of encouragement.”

February 10 (Prevail Day 41)
“But with God—through your obedience and faith-filled prayers—you can change the world.”

February 11 (Prevail Day 42)
“Linger longer in His presence.”

February 12 (Prevail Day 43)
“May the passion and the purposes of God upstage every lesser voice, every inferior desire, and every earthly distraction. Rise up, dear one.”

Do you see how our kind and compassionate Lord Jesus stepped into my life this birthday week? To show me He sees me? To guide my thoughts back to Him? To encourage me just when I needed it? To upstage the voice of Number 58?

As I’ve lingered more in Jesus’ presence this week, my heart and soul have had permission to be honest. Jesus gave me permission to be honest with Him first, then friends, even my dentist, and now you.

I want you to prevail too. One way we prevail is to be honest about our struggles.

Rise Up and Prevail

So, I got knocked down by Number 58. Like Apostle Paul said, “We are knocked down, but we aren’t knocked out.” 2 Corinthians 4:9 (CEB) 

I’m not knocked out. I won’t let the number of my age, this earthly distraction, which is temporal, keep me down. There’s work to be done for the Lord. 

He wants us to rise up, serve Him and others, and prevail bringing Him glory. How do we do that on a daily basis and in just a normal way? Well, here’s some real things I’ve witnessed during my birthday week that may give you some ideas how to serve God and others:

• Offer words of encouragement to remind those God has placed in our life, they are not alone. Jesus sees them, is with them, and so are we. Tell them you love them.
• Provide acts of service, like cleaning someone’s refrigerator out for them because they’re sick. 
• Hug someone, hold their hand to comfort them in their pain, sickness, and sorrow. Or hug someone because we are so happy to see them.
• Gift someone a book, a dinner, new pans, gift certificate, or a special outing. 
• Make them steak and take great effort in cooking it because you want it to be tender and yummy for those who eat it. 
• Play a game with others. 
• Attend church as a family.
• Share a funny video of children doing the silly things children do. 

And may we get courageous and share our struggles with someone else so we don’t have to carry the burden alone. When we do, we open up the pathway for friends to refresh our souls.

Jesus gives us permission to be honest with Him. He also gives us permission to be honest with others. And we also need to give ourselves permission to be honest with ourselves.

Permission Granted

Today, I grant you permission to be honest. Whatever your struggles, be honest. Share with others who you trust. Let your heart be unhurried in its healing. But let it heal by sharing your struggles with others.

Jesus never intended for us to travel this temporal world alone. He’s given us Himself and others. Each year we all travel together around the sun. May we embrace the ride together no matter how bumpy or smooth the ride. 

All On Board!

So, I’ve decided Number 58 can join Number 25 and me after all. Number 25 is a forever friend in my heart, a blessing which the Lord Himself has gifted me. She isn’t being left behind.

May this new year be filled with expectancy, happiness, energy, and gratefulness. And may we be healthy, fun-loving, and full of love and joy. Number 58 is just going to have to get on board with this kind of flight around the sun. Because that’s how Number 25 and I roll. 

I’m sure Number 58 will have her own characteristics to bring along on this year-long journey. She’ll introduce us to things we haven’t experienced before. And that’s a good thing.

Happy Birthday, to me! Here’s to a new year forward around the sun! I hope you’ll join me this year.