Jesus Set Me Free From Shame

Day 16 of 21-Day Sugar Fast

Jesus healed me today! Jesus set me free from shame. Unbeknownst to me, He revealed this hidden distress. I’ve carried shame for almost thirty years.

Shame has a way of creeping in. Sometimes we don’t notice its arrival. Shame can camouflage itself, yet it can live inside of us creating all sorts of negative evaluation of ourselves as well as manifest itself physically.

Today Jesus exposed shame, crushed its power, and set me free from shame.

The Power of Illness

When I was twenty-eight years old, I became quite ill with Clostridioides difficile (klos-TRID-e-oi-deez dif-uh-SEEL) or often referred to as C. difficile or C. diff. This bacterium causes an infection of the large intestine (colon). Symptoms can range from diarrhea to life-threatening damage to the colon.

Illness from C. diff most often occurs after the use of antibiotics because antibiotics don’t just kill bad bacteria, they also kill good ones. This creates an environment for C. diff to grow out of control. My C. diff infection started after taking penicillin for a sinus infection.

C. diff wreaked havoc in my body, stripping me of weight, energy, and nourishment for months. Doctor after doctor prescribed medication after medication to fight this bacterium that grew inside of me causing my health to decline.

From Thanksgiving 1991 to April 1992, C. diff tortured me. Then God started growing something else inside of me.

The Creator Creates

I love babies! I always wanted children. On the day I discovered I was pregnant with my second child, I cried. Not tears of joy. I didn’t want to be pregnant. Not then. I lamented because after being sick for months, I didn’t want to be sick any more.

Having had one child already, I knew the early months of pregnancy meant sickness. And I cried. Cried for Michelle because she was sick. Even with strong medications that were supposed to kick C. diff in the butt, none of them worked. And now there I with a baby growing inside of me too. My weary soul and body cried together.

Rather than rejoice for this blessing the Lord planted inside of me, I felt sorry for myself. I just was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. The thought of more sickness did me in. Michelle fell apart.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God

We moved into a new house, our current home, when I was just five weeks pregnant. One particular day, I felt better than I had in weeks. Happiness surfaced.

As my husband and I were putting together our one and half-year old son’s bedroom, I needed to use the bathroom. When I did, my heart shuttered. Blood!

NO! Not blood! Please Lord, not blood.

Panicked, I told my husband, then called my doctor. As I waited for the doctor to return my call, I laid down on our living room couch and cried again. With my hands on my stomach, I cried. Tears showing the distress inside of me.

Then my faith kicked in. I rose from the couch, then knelt beside it. Guilt swept over me. How could I be so selfish and self-centered to not want to be pregnant? How could I have allowed myself to not want this baby right now? How could I not delight with being pregnant with the child God chose for us?

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. I repented of my ungratefulness of biggest blessing God gives us: children!

Prayer of Repentance and Surrender Led to Healing

“For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.” 2 Corinthians 7:10 (ESV)

When I started bleeding, I knew I wanted this child. My whole heart wanted this child and love enveloped this baby. Nevertheless, guilt and grief flooded me too. But then repentance swept over me. With a repentant heart, I surrendered to Jesus and asked Him to forgive me. Next, I thanked Him for this child He was growing inside of me.

After that, I reminded Jesus of something powerful.

Lord, You created me. You’re creating this child in me. If You can create us, You can heal me. Heal me so that my child can live, be healthy, and strong. You are the Creator and Healer, only You. Please, heal me of C. diff. My body is too weak to carry this baby. I’m not healthy enough to have a healthy pregnancy or a healthy baby. Please heal me to save my baby. By Your blood we are healed. Amen.

Immediately after my prayer, the Holy Spirit instructed me to stand. When I stood up from kneeling, my body began tingling starting in my toes. This tingling moved up my body like a scan. It moved all the way to the top of my head until my entire body tingled. I knew Jesus was healing me in that very moment.

With my body tingling and through tears of gratitude, I thanked and praised Jesus. In that healing, Jesus infused strength, not just in me, but also in my daughter Dani. Now, I didn’t know I was having a daughter, but Jesus did.

My prayer of repentance and surrender led to my healing. I never had C. diff again, and I never took another medication for it. And eight months later, in December she was born. God blessed us with a healthy, beautiful little girl. God’s timing is always perfect even when we don’t think so.

Jesus Set Me Free From Shame

On Day 16, during a biblical meditation, Jesus scanned my body again. He started in my toes and went to my stomach. He asked me to place my left hand on my stomach and then He used my right hand as His own and placed it on top of my left. Both hands held my stomach.

When the narrator of the biblical meditation asked, “What do you feel in your stomach?” Jesus answered, “Shame.”

Shocked, I asked Jesus, “Shame? I’m feeling shame in my stomach?”

While I repented of my selfishness and ungratefulness all those years ago, I didn’t realize that shame crept in and stayed with me almost thirty years, until today, when Jesus revealed it to me.

My guilty thoughts and feelings about not wanting to be pregnant unconsciously led to shame.

Shame is an unpleasant emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of ourselves. It’s different than guilt. Guilt is feeling remorse or responsible for something you’ve done wrong or perceived you did wrong. Whereas, shame, is a feeling that you are bad, worthy of contempt, or inadequate as a person.

Jesus revealed that much of my stomach issues stem from shame. The feeling of distress I felt all those years ago, I’ve continued to carry in my stomach.

Double Blessings

Jesus healed me from C. diff and He also forgave me. But you know what? Our enemy didn’t miss a beat. He just did it quietly. I didn’t realize he was silently attacking me with shame.  

I’ve felt inadequate as a person for years, and I’ve held in my stomach. No wonder I feel ashamed exposing my stomach.

But Jesus revealed something more amazing to me.

“Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy.” Isaiah 61:7 (ESV)

Jesus set me free from shame and in its place, He double blessed me with everlasting joy and a beautiful daughter. He blessed me with strength. And He blessed my daughter with strength. She is one of the strongest women I know. She even has a tattoo on her wrist that says, “Strength.” Coincidence? I think not.

While Jesus healed me, He saved her. He sent her into this world for His sake to bring glory to Him. I am doubly blessed because I am the vessel He used to bring her into this world, and I get to witness her life as she fulfills her assignment for Him.

Do You Want to be Set Free From Shame?

Today, Jesus set me free from shame.

So, I ask you. Do you want a double portion of blessing instead of shame? Would you like everlasting joy? Instead of dishonor would you like to rejoice in what God has allotted to you in His perfect timing?

I hope you say yes. If you do say yes, sit quietly with Jesus. Let him scan your body too and reveal the hidden shame you may be carrying. Then expect the double blessings.